Emergency Pasta

When everything is a mess and you are already too hungry, bring a large pot of water to a boil, salted with a good bit of salt and the tears of a failed project. Add half a box of dry spaghetti to the vigorously boiling water. Don’t forget to stir it, so it doesn’t form a sad noodle clump, and you ruin two meals today.

Start tasting the pasta well before its done because you’re impatient, and think about how Italians call this undercooked pasta al-chiodo, to the nail; some like to eat it this way. Wonder if this means that the pasta is hard as nails, and that life, and Italian food, is supposed to be pain.

See what odds and ends you can shape into something edible – half a tub of ricotta that hasn’t gone bad yet, the parsley you forgot to add to your all-day cooking disaster, a lemon, some olives. Some animal (you) left three artichoke hearts in the bottom of the jar, and there are two Calabrian Chilis floating in a bottle of spicy oil. Get out the huge block of fancy parmigiano, too, because you still love food. Heap everything on the counter and start snacking on olives so you can stop being so hangry and dramatic. Chop the parsley, chilis and artichokes.

Drain the pasta when it’s done and put it quickly back in the pot so some of the starchy pasta water is retained. Dump the ricotta and things onto the pasta and use tongs to mix it together and feel chefy. Secretly add garlic powder. If you can stand to wait one additional minute, use your microplane to grate the zest of the lemon over your pasta. Add salt to taste, and quite a lot of fresh cracked pepper. Taste and consider the benefits of adding spicy Calabrian chili oil to the dish, over the drawback of your expanding waistline. Opt for more flavor.

Sit on the couch with a too-large bowl of this pasta topped with too much parm. Congratulate yourself on making a meal. Enjoy a creamy-spicy noodle. Turn on whatever is your comfort show and take your sarcastic aggression out on critiquing it. (What do you think of Hailee Seinfeld as She-Hawkeye? What if there were more sassy young women in action movies? Gilmore Girls x Marvel? Would watch.)